Blossoming into a BadAss
When I was 23 I found myself working at a really dope company. A new position had just been created and presented to me based off my hard work, #WINNING. I was able to hand pick each and every person I wanted on my team and I was running that ship like nobody’s business. I never felt so official in my life. Side note: my pay was a complete joke. But at the moment, it was an amazing experience and I was happy. And then, my insecurities kicked in, I started getting this nagging feeling that I wouldn’t go any further. My insecurities told me I did not have the smarts to soar, even though I knew I was capable because I built that joint for free and my team was the shit. But I gave into the voices; I needed to silence them, but in order to do so, I had to completely destroy myself, my life and everything I thought I wanted to be able to obtain that piece of paper. To tell other’s that I was good enough for them. I hope you can already see where I went wrong.
Why was I willing to destroy myself for the opinions of people I hadn’t even met? It was because it was already in my nature, I was a people-pleaser and now I was letting them down. I was no longer confident. I was no longer happy, and to top it off, I was now afraid of my future. So, I quit my job and went back to school. Little did I know, school was going to break me in every way possible. Not just through college courses and studying but learning how to say no, learning how to put myself first, and learning to set new boundaries. But most importantly (black girl hand claps coming up!) *clap* NOT *clap* ALLOW *clap* PEOPLE *double clap* TO MAKE *double clap* ME FEEL *double clap* LIKE SHIT!… all because I wasn’t doing what they expected of me. I had to unlearn all that nonsense. Can a sistah better herself in peace? Damn! Even though all of this was unexpected and was anything but smooth it was all well worth it. I became a better version of myself.
While the road has been rough. I had to give up my financial independence; even though I was living La Vida Broke-a. I had to move back in with my mom, whom FYI wasn’t even in the same state as me. I lost some friends, decided to go natural, gained a bunch of weight, mom went through a health scare, quit a few jobs, got into a car accident, had my heart ripped from my chest when my grandmother passed away, got into crazy debt and had to face my ego and through it all I had to make sure I turned my homework in on time. ‘Cranes in the Sky,’ was in heavy rotation at this time, okuuurrr. But with every heartache and heartbreak. I gained more strength and clarity. I started a business, became a certified Graphic Designer, gained some new friends, and reconnected with some lost ones. I also discovered my true support system and realized the people who love me and want me to win because there were times when I couldn’t see through the smoke and felt like I couldn’t breathe. They lifted me up, corrected me when I was wrong, made me laugh at my pain and most importantly they supported me as I reinvented myself and collected my broken pieces; they gave me air. And even though my collegiate career isn’t finished until next year, entering my senior year has brought new clarity to my life. And hell, I’ve learned a lot about myself independent of my degree. I no longer wish to obtain my degree to present it to other people. I wish to have my degree to better myself, for myself. My classes have taught me to trust myself, to not be swayed by the opinions of others but to take information as it comes and process it. College has taught me that I can show up for myself. I have learned that it is important to honor your growth as you maneuver through your journey. Trust the journey and create the life you want for yourself. Face your fears and make them scream your name.